Friday, July 20, 2012

Miscarriage: Love, Loss and Recovery.


Love:
Seeing that amount of blood coming from your body is never as horrifying then knowing that blood means you're no longer pregnant. You no longer have this life growing inside of you. You are once again, truly and completely alone. Your belly will no longer keep growing rounder and your hands will no longer find their resting place there. Your reason for existence has ceased to exist, something has gone terribly wrong and your own body is expelling the very life it was working and preparing so hard to make. It is natures most heart retching betrayal.

All of this raced through my mind within seconds of seeing the bright red blood soaking through my pajamas. All I could do was cry. I just laid there, hands tight around my belly and cried.

Loss:
It was written on every nurses face, in the doctors sympathetic eyes and in that very moment I knew that looking at my pregnant best friend would now prove more difficult than I could even fathom. I now have to learn how to feel whole again now that the most beautiful part of me, of my life, has died. From this point of the very mention of pregnancy would send shards of glass through every vein in my heart. They gave me a plush white heart, some information on miscarriage and their condolences. Nothing will ever bring my baby back.

I now have to mourn and grieve for the loss of a life that only I knew.


Recovery:
"Most pregnancies end in miscarriage. this isn't common knowledge because no one talks about it."

The doctor told me she didn't have to look at the ultrasounds to tell me that I had lost my child, that the amount of blood was enough.
Every time I have used the bathroom since I left the hospital I'm left with the red reminder that my baby is gone. All the names and plans and hopes. Gone.

Sometimes I forget, I go to rub my tummy and it is so flat. I see a pregnant woman in the grocery store and think of how pretty I will be when I get that big, but I wont. That alone is enough to send anyone into a depression that they don't care much to come out of. It is so easy to get lost in your mind with all the questions. Why did this happen to me? I had all these plans for my precious little baby. What purpose could this possibly serve? How could God do this?
It is so easy to sink.
Too easy.



Losing a life is not losing YOUR life. It is so important to recover, to be restored. I do not believe that there is some merited reason that my child has died. That my father in heaven killed my baby to teach me some divine lesson on trust and obedience, or even as a punishment. I do not believe that this has "happened for a reason" that this is how it was 'meant to be". I believe that it has happened and the way that I recover, cope and carry this tragedy will show my trust and obedience. I do not believe the Lord took my child as some sort of test. This wasn't done to show me some greater purpose. All of that being said, it does not mean that the Lord can't and wont use it. He can and will in his own glorious way.

I wish I was at a point to tell the world how to move on, how to be okay. 
If I would have waited for that day, this blog would have never been posted.

The love of God is greater far
Than tongue or pen can ever tell
It goes beyond the highest star
And reaches to the lowest hell

xo.

2 comments:

  1. i am so so sorry. i will be praying for you. your trust in the Lord through all of this is really inspiring. blessings and peace, lora

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  2. I just want to say how inspirational this post is, and I wish this message could be spread to every lady in the world! Pregnant, or not, your words are touching and magical.

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