Friday, July 20, 2012

Miscarriage: Love, Loss and Recovery.

Seeing that amount of blood coming from your body is never as horrifying then knowing that blood means you're no longer pregnant. You no longer have this life growing inside of you. You are once again, truly and completely alone. Your belly will no longer keep growing rounder and your hands will no longer find their resting place there. Your reason for existence has ceased to exist, something has gone terribly wrong and your own body is expelling the very life it was working and preparing so hard to make. It is natures most heart retching betrayal.

All of this raced through my mind within seconds of seeing the bright red blood soaking through my pajamas. All I could do was cry. I just laid there, hands tight around my belly and cried.

It was written on every nurses face, in the doctors sympathetic eyes and in that very moment I knew that looking at my pregnant best friend would now prove more difficult than I could even fathom. I now have to learn how to feel whole again now that the most beautiful part of me, of my life, has died. From this point of the very mention of pregnancy would send shards of glass through every vein in my heart. They gave me a plush white heart, some information on miscarriage and their condolences. Nothing will ever bring my baby back.

I now have to mourn and grieve for the loss of a life that only I knew.

"Most pregnancies end in miscarriage. this isn't common knowledge because no one talks about it."

The doctor told me she didn't have to look at the ultrasounds to tell me that I had lost my child, that the amount of blood was enough.
Every time I have used the bathroom since I left the hospital I'm left with the red reminder that my baby is gone. All the names and plans and hopes. Gone.

Sometimes I forget, I go to rub my tummy and it is so flat. I see a pregnant woman in the grocery store and think of how pretty I will be when I get that big, but I wont. That alone is enough to send anyone into a depression that they don't care much to come out of. It is so easy to get lost in your mind with all the questions. Why did this happen to me? I had all these plans for my precious little baby. What purpose could this possibly serve? How could God do this?
It is so easy to sink.
Too easy.

Losing a life is not losing YOUR life. It is so important to recover, to be restored. I do not believe that there is some merited reason that my child has died. That my father in heaven killed my baby to teach me some divine lesson on trust and obedience, or even as a punishment. I do not believe that this has "happened for a reason" that this is how it was 'meant to be". I believe that it has happened and the way that I recover, cope and carry this tragedy will show my trust and obedience. I do not believe the Lord took my child as some sort of test. This wasn't done to show me some greater purpose. All of that being said, it does not mean that the Lord can't and wont use it. He can and will in his own glorious way.

I wish I was at a point to tell the world how to move on, how to be okay. 
If I would have waited for that day, this blog would have never been posted.

The love of God is greater far
Than tongue or pen can ever tell
It goes beyond the highest star
And reaches to the lowest hell


Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Me : here, lately.

It has been well over a year since I have posted.
life has changed, I have changed.
As did my blog name, and its up coming contents.
I can't even begin to fill all of you in on what has happened this past year, so I will start new. I hope you will all stick with me and grow as I have grown.

So here are these,

Know that I am happy, sometimes sad, and eternally trying to figure out a healthy balance of the two.
This is a new journey, and an expression of old ones.

Friday, March 18, 2011


Things have been changing, for the better.
I was so inspired by this post and decided to work off that for these photos
xo AO

Friday, March 4, 2011

a life changing event.

"So long everything!" he shouted
Then he ran next door to Margot's house
"I'm moving," he said
"Where?" asked Margot 
"Two weeks away," he said 
"Mitchell, where is that?" asked Margot 
"It's everywhere I will be after I walk for two weeks," said Mitchell, "I have lived in the same place for a long time, it is time for me to go someplace else" 
"No," said Margot, "You have only lived next door for fifty years" 
"Sixty," said Mitchell 
"Fifty, sixty. What's the difference?" said Margot, "I want you to stay next door forever" 
"I can't," said Mitchell, " I do not want to go wake up in the same old bed and eat breakfast in the same old kitchen. Every room in my house is the same old room, because I have lived there too long" 

"And you look at me and think, same old face, same old tail, same old scales, same old walk, same old talk," said Margot 
"No," said Mitchell, "I like your face, tail, scales, walk and talk. I like you"
"I like, like, like you" 
"I like, like, like you too," said Mitchell 
He walked through the door
"I must pack," he said

xo ao

Monday, February 21, 2011

Cats are like potato chips. You can never have just one.

What amazes me is how much this little creature can trust me so blindly. She trusts that I wont hurt her or try to eat her and she trusts that I will put food in her bowl and give her water to drink. Her existence depends on me. The connection and love I feel with her is really something special. This post is dedicated to my kitty, miss Guacamole. 

xo AO

Thursday, February 10, 2011

just for fun

Today was my first day off in eight days, holy cow. So naturally, I took pictures of myself.
I also washed my car and went thrifting oh boy did I score! I found an old weathered white washed picket fence, shelves made out of old white washed shutters and a set of gorgeous dinner plates.

xo AO

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

My biggest blogger inspiration

I use to think I was inspired by all these big time bloggers that all do the same thing. I still adore some of those blogs but lets be honest, how repetitive! I actually sat down and thought about who has inspired me the most when it comes to my blog, and I have to give all that credit to one amazing person. Miss Ashley from under those neon lights
I know many of you have found my blog through her. I can not even being to tell you how much I adore her, and exactly how thankful I am for everything she has done for me. She inspires me when I feel like giving up, and constantly reminds me to do my own thing through reading her blog.
Shes a beautiful person inside and out and I hope you will go over and enjoy her blog for everything that it is! Check out her store too!

xo AO

Saturday, January 15, 2011

songbird saturday // vacation!

I'm on vacation! I'll leave you with four amazing songs from two awesome bands.

xo AO

Monday, January 3, 2011

mini home tour

Testing out my new camera, thought I'd share some peaks of our apartment!

I'll do my inspiring work area in a few days!
hope every one of you are having a fabulous day!
xo AO

Sunday, December 5, 2010

An owl a day.

I did a trade with the lovely Katie of Katiee Bee.
I fell in love with her stuffed owls and traded her for one of my broaches!

What she sent me:

What I sent her:

I am so happy! Check out her blog and set up a trade!
For more info about setting up a trade with me, go (here)!
xo AO

Sunday, November 28, 2010


I have been watching indie romance after indie romance and I had to share some treasures with you all.

The Exploding Girl is a movie I could really connect with. Ivy is the main character and she is struggling in a disconnected relationship and is realizing her feelings for her best friend. It's such a bright and colorful film.

Breaking Upwards made me fall in love fast and it slowly tore me apart and left me in a mess of tissues. One of the best movies I have ever seen. It has a documentary type feel and follows a story we all know too well, breaking up.

Dakota Skye is a movie about a girl graduating from high school and finding out who she is and who she belongs with. I adored this movie, it is the perfect combination of happiness and heart break. 

I hope you all enjoy!
xo AO